Wearing of the Green.

I thought my friends were queer. Organic milk sounded to me like they did something wierd to it. She goes to such pains to rearrange the way they compose her tacos at the 'Bell so as to include beans instead of meat. One day when my friend was re-bottling nasty used oil, I said "Criminy! Why don't you just throw that away?" She said, "I am".

She does those things, because she cares.

I pretty much gave up on my ideas about "doing my part", because I didn't feel it made a difference. Even if I became a vegan, I reasoned, it didn't mean they were going to let more animals live. That would just be product that went unsold.

Just what was the point?

Now I am seeing so many more and more people taking action. Enough for it to be profitable to Wal-Mart to sell organic foods, etc. Change is happening.

I don't think I'm willing to let people who are making sacrifices go on feeling that their efforts are not helping. More people are doing it. It is GROWING! It is going to keep growing!!! I didn't think it could happen; I thought, ultimately, people's moment-to-moment cheapness and laziness and greed would supercede. But I was wrong.

I am making changes now, because of my friends. By doing your part, you are spreading it. There are enough people, now, that it IS denting the industries that capitolize on irresponsible & selfish products. Don't stop now. For all that is good. Don't stop. It does make a difference. It does.

I am ashamed.

I am ashamed that I left my husband. I do not think it was right at all.

This is certainly not what I had hoped and intended to become. I once was a person of high ideals and values. When I was young, I had a kind of fear about the things that repulsed me. I wanted to be...oh, so many things...but, it's like I recieved the prophesy of Oedipus' parents. Everything that I did, to avoid this fate, only served to bring it about.

At twenty-seven, married, with a three-year-old girl, I no longer worked. I did none of the cooking, cleaning, etc. It had come to a point where I slept ALL DAY. My husband slept for four hours in the evening before going to work at night, and I felt that I just could not go on being up with my child during that time. Just four hours a day of seeing her. I had never wanted to be like that. Everything I had ever been afraid of and repulsed by. Yeah. Me. Lazy, fat, unfaithfull. I didn't even wait for him to leave the house before I was on the net with guys.

I left.

I now live with my child in an efficiency apartment. My slumlord has done nothing about my stove that blew up or the bugs he'd told me he was having taken care of. I get less than $500 a month, plus food stamps.

And I'm happy.

I don't know what is wrong with me. But I could not stay in that house any longer. I now have my daughter all the time, and I relish her company! I don't even care that no guys want me!

I don't like what I did. But.