Lamentations

9 March, 2006

Life doesn't feel real to me. It's like a television show that is distracting me from something important that is happening. Something true.

So many of the things in my life that I am blessed with--that should bring me such joy--my family, Jos, Vei, Yon, Lys, God--almost all of the times I think of them, the feeling attached is misery. I feel guilty because I mistreat them. Because I don't appreciate them.

I realize there's meaning in life; there's fullfillment. But generally then I feel worse, because I don't appreciate it, or I missed it.

It's so hard to be alive...when I am happy, I have to ignore the evidence that shows I shouldn't be. I feel it's wrong for me to not feel sad when I know of the suffering that goes on in the world. It will never stop, and no matter how much I do, could ever do, it would never be enough. Why should I not be affected by children who are hurting just because it is not my child? What does that make me? If there was only one child in the world that was hungry, or sick, or ababndoned, or hurt, or who had no mother and father to love him, there's no way we'd just let him starve or freeze or cry all alone. If a child was at my doorstep who was sick and malnurished and homeless and orphaned, there's no way I'd shut the door. But not only is there one, there are thousands. Millions probably. How can I say I'd never let one go. I let millions go. Thousands everyday, while I by things for myself. I say, I do enough. It's never enough.

It's never enough.